Okay, so I'm trying to get a little more consistent with these entries, but finding space and time with a 22 month old and a 2 month old ain't so easy. LOL. But I did want to make this post based on a conversation I had with my significant other a few days ago.
We were in the car riding, and having a conversation I'm sure about something I forgot or didn't do or don't do anymore, and, as he began asking me what was wrong, I tried to explain my point of view as best as possible without being too emotional, because, you know my hormones are still gathering themselves. As I began explaining that I find it difficult to find a moment to myself to relax, breathe, and meditate on my purpose, his response was, "your purpose", as if to ask why I would want time to do that. And I said yes, what I'd like to do with myself in conjunction with motherhood. And then he told me that my problem is that I still think like I'm single with no kids. And it made me think, well no one ever said just because I had kids I couldn't want to do something else with my life as well.
See, before I became a mom, I had goals, aspirations, dreams, if you will. Of being a writer, a publisher and was working part time as a Sales Rep for the largest newspaper in the state. During my pregnancy though, I decided I wanted to be a stay at home mom and work from home, but was too scared to take the leap myself. Eventually though, I was forced into taking that step as I was terminated from my job for being late during my pregnancy and after I returned to work. I must say that even then I saw having a baby was going to be an adjustment for me, as it was already adjusting my ability to get myself ready for work. Gratefully I'd already found a "job" working from home by the time this happened, but I didn't know just the difficult situation I was putting myself in.
Working from home sounds idealistic until you realize that unless you run a tight ship, it's nearly impossible not to be worn out at the end of each day. And even if you do, you'll probably still be spent with cooking, cleaning, changing babies, keeping them occupied during the time that you're working; all of that can be draining. Top that with 10 to 13 hour days just to pay the bills, when you are use to five to six hour days with money to spare, and you can find yourself, as I did, wondering what am I doing. Wishing you had the time to dream of something else to do.
After my spouse's reaction, though, I am wondering if that is selfish of me. And, while I don't think it is, he obviously does. But I feel that, to give my children my best, I must be my best, and, if my best entails me still finding purpose with my life outside of them, I should be allowed the space and time to do so, even if it's just 30 minutes a day to do nothing but meditate, so that my energy can be focused. So that I can be that MILFEE mom I see myself as. Hmmmm. I'll end this here for today and continue exploring this with my next post. But if you have thoughts on this please share, because I know I'm probably not alone in this situation or feeling.
I totally relate to how you feel. And I don't think it's selfish (or unusual) to dream of something that will fulfill or exress who you are OUTSIDE of motherhood. I know your hubby's point of view will naturally be different than yours but, his reasons for saying what he did may be slightly different than what it seemed. Back when I was struggling to work more and make $$ and my daughter was a baby he would say, "You know you don't have to do this." At the time I took this to mean that he didn't care about my hopes and dreams or think they were important. And maybe he doesn't care about them the same way I do but, what I think that he was trying to express (and could if he was more than a man) is that he is SO thankful for a loving mommy who takes care of his precious babies while he goes to work. And that me having a "career" or making more money won't make him love me any more. He appreciates exactly what I am doing and I'll bet so does your hubby (even if he can't express it well).
ReplyDelete